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Thanks for stoping by! That's me, and my super cute and spunky 1 year old, Nora. When we're not laying on the floor taking selfies, we also like to bake, take lots of pretty photos, and practice yoga. Aside from posting way too many pictures of Nora on instagram, I also take pretty wedding picures and make pretty baby items. So browse around, and keep up with all the latest.
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Jun
19
2014

So this post is going to be long. And personal, definitely deeply personal. And honest. There will be no sugar coating things. I wont leave out details just because they don’t fit the perfect picture of the perfect life that I might want you to believe we all live in (because come on, who doesn’t want everyone to believe we all have it figured out, we all have it all under control). It’s real.

If you browse through my Instagram feed, or my Facebook photos (same thing), you’ll see a beautiful little baby girl who smiles and laughs, and is learning how to crawl. Every now and again you’ll see a picture with me in it, or maybe Greg. But it’s mostly Nora. And she’s mostly smiling. And this is a pretty accurate portrayal of my life with Nora. She’s a smiley, giggly little almost 8 month old. She was a pretty easy newborn. She wasn’t colicky, she didn’t have that “witching hour” of fussiness every evening like I read was common for newborns. Sure, she cried, she fussed, she wouldn’t settle sometimes, but in hind sight, she was pretty easy.

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

Around 4 months she got difficult, and I think so far, that has been my least favorite time of raising a baby. But we got through it, and life resumes.

But let me tell you a little something about being a mom (first time mom). It’s weird. For me, anyway. Maybe it was peaches and roses for you from day 1. That’s cool. It wasn’t really that way for me. And in talking with other awesome mommies, it wasn’t really that way for some of them, too.

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

I’m part of a really great mommy group. We all found each other through our town’s prenatal yoga program offered at Parks and Rec. We would chat before, during, and a bit after class, and a wonderful friendship blossomed between us all. We would commiserate about our bulging bellies, our painful hips, and our constant search for a bathroom as our due dates approached. We kept in touch after the classes ended, and started to get together after the babies were born, who are all very close in age. And it has been an amazing resource to have these ladies in my life. To be able to talk freely, and openly about the struggles and difficulties of being a first time mom, without fear of judgement, has been nothing short of a miracle.

I can tell them that breastfeeding my baby was NOT natural or easy for me. I can tell them that at times, I absolutely hated something that the world portrays as a beautiful, natural, amazing experience. It WASN’T for me. Not at first. And sometimes, not even today. But being able to vent about my hardships with nursing is probably something that helped me stick with it. And now it’s easier, it’s enjoyable, and I’m happy about it.

There is something shameful about feeling anything other than elation, joy, and absolute confidence in being a mom. But lots of mommies feel scared, overwhelmed, stressed, and even regretful when they become moms. It’s a huge change. Yet, nobody talks about that side of motherhood. Everything is all, “oh baby snuggles are just the best” “There’s nothing better than the smell of a newborn” “Your heart will just melt the first time you see your baby” “You’ll never be the same woman, you’ll be better because of your baby”

Yes, that’s all true. That’s all good. That’s the positive side of becoming a mommy. But what about the sleepless nights? What about the pressure of figuring out how to care for another human who is 100% completely dependent on you not fucking it all up? What about the goddam spit up covering every single piece of clothing, bedding, and furniture surface you own!?!

That’s what I want to talk about. How it’s hard. How you feel like you aren’t you anymore. How, at 3 in the morning, when you’re feeding baby (from bottle or boob), and changing yet ANOTHER diaper because the kid just shit like Mount Rushmore, you just feel like a robot; a milk machine if you’re nursing. Feed, change, get baby to sleep. Repeat.

I have to take pause to mention that the very first person I turn to when I am having a tough day is my amazing sister. She is my rock. My stability. And with 2 kids age 4 and almost 2 years old, she is my best resource because she has been there, she has done that, twice. Love you Melis!

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

But back to these babies. I think women have this tremendous amount of pressure to just take mommyhood in stride. To do it. To love it. To be all that and a bag of chips. And that’s the reason for my post today. I want to let other mommies know that if you feel like you are sad, or anxious, or overwhelmed… that’s OK! It’s okay to not love the hard stuff. It’s okay to miss your old life. It’s okay to cry because you’re tired and you just don’t know how you are going to get out of bed and survive the day on 3 hours of sleep. Spoiler alert: you will, somehow!

In the beginning, I had moments where I felt like a hollow mold of my former self. Like everything that made me ME was sucked out. I no longer slept. I no longer had time to read a book for more than 10 minutes. I no longer had the energy to sew a button on my hubby’s pants, let alone make a quilt or any other fun project. I was different. Everything that made up who I was as an individual was gone. And that was weird. I was this new person, and I wasn’t quite sure what made me ME anymore.

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

As the months have (quickly) ticked by, and as Nora grows, I have realized that this new version of me is different, but it’s actually really amazing. First: things slowly start returning to “normal” and I put “normal” in quotation marks because obviously, things will never be the same after you have a kid. But now? I can spend an hour sewing when Nora naps. I can read at 8pm before bed because Nora is usually asleep by 7:30 (usually). I can sleep for more than an hour at a time at night! OH SLEEP. I HAVE MISSED YOU SO. I never knew how much I loved to sleep until it was taken away from me. ;)

And all those hollow places I felt deep inside of me have started to fill up with things that make up every day life. Some of these things are familiar, like sitting on the couch with Greg and watching TV on Sunday afternoon. And some of these hollow spaces are filling up with something totally new. Like making batches of food for Nora (OH how she loves her peas and green beans!), washing her cloth diapers every few days and then stuffing them, and jiggling and squeezing Sophie the giraffe 1000 times because it makes Nora giggle. And something else is filling my hollow spaces. A love I never knew existed for a tiny human being that I didn’t quite know how to love at first.

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

on mommyhood the good the bad the ugly

I didn’t think I’d write such a cliche sentence about how I feel about being a mom today. Seeing people write crap like that when their baby was 2 weeks old made me kind of want to vomit all over my phone while I scrolled through my news feed. But hey, everyone is different, and everyone handles and reacts to things differently, so like I said at the beginning of this post. If it was all peaches and roses for you from day 1, I’m so happy for you! If it wasn’t, hang in there, because it has slowly gotten better for me, and I think you’ll get there, too.

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